A ‘Pull from the Future, Not a Push from the Past’
If you’re having trouble reading the headlines these days, I understand how you feel. It’s tough to take in all the news about the consequences of climate change, gun violence, the campaign against reproductive rights, or the systematic dismantling of our democratic system without feeling a little hopeless. The result…
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How Does ‘Gray Divorce’ Affect Adult Children?
In her seminal book Home Will Never be the Same Again, marriage, family, and child therapist Carol Hughes talks about the emotional impact of divorce on a group that is often left out of the discussion: adult children. They are often excluded from the traditional narrative since they are not legally…
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Talking with Your Children About Collaborative Divorce
As bad as divorce can be for the couple going through it, that’s nothing compared to how it can negatively impact their children. At least the couple has seen it coming for a while and has had some time to be prepared emotionally. Even if they’ve seen how unhappy their…
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How Long Should You Grieve After a Divorce?
When it comes to grief, how long is too long? After debate that lasted well over a decade, the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, known as the DSM-5, recently added a controversial new diagnosis: prolonged grief disorder. The definition is anguish over the death of a loved one lasting more than…
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How Emotional Agility Can Help You Navigate Divorce
When someone tells me that they are considering divorce, I often suggest that their first call shouldn’t be to a lawyer. Rather, I say that investing in a relationship with a skillful mental health professional is usually the place to start, unless there is active domestic violence in the relationship.…
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Why Does Collaborative Divorce Seem Like Such a Contradiction
A new colleague reached out to me the other day with a question: The concept of Collaborative Divorce has been around for 30 years. Why haven’t more people heard of it? It’s a fair question. Collaborative Divorce isn’t yet a household word, and I think it’s partly because the term itself causes…
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How to Support Family or Friends Through Their Divorce
Recent research reveals that couples who have supportive friends and family members are more likely to divorce. No, that last part wasn’t a typo. A study of 7,321 couples published last year in the Journal of Family Issues found that couples who reported having strong emotional support outside their marriage were more likely…
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The 4 Ways to Divorce
Is there such a thing as a “good” divorce? Like a lot of things in life, it depends on how you define it. One couple might decide that “good” means resolved as quickly as possible. Another might prefer the chance to hash out a few key issues with a neutral…
Taking Care of Yourself on Valentine’s Day
When a marriage is falling apart, Valentine’s Day can be a lonely time. If you’ve already split up, or even if you’re in the middle of the process, it can be a challenging day. It’s hard not to be reminded that the love of your life is no longer the…
Thinking About Divorce as a Collaboration
About 15 years ago I shifted the way I practice Divorce.
After years in the industry I recognized that Traditional Divorce wasn’t working to better the people it served, in fact it left them more divided than ever. Again and again I saw battles over how the assets should be divided, the amount and duration of spousal support, and the specifics of child custody and visitation. None of which could be accomplished without the two spouses hurting each other, leaving wounds that may last a lifetime, or a generation.
It was then I decided to shift my training into a practice called Collaborative Divorce. In this process, couples decide what’s right for them and their families and set a goal to get through this difficult time feeling hopeful about the future, not resentful about the past.
In a Collaborative Divorce, your team creates a safe space for you and your spouse to express your feelings. When you think about it, what have you got to lose by telling your partner exactly how you feel about the situation? It’s a non-judgmental environment where both of you can talk openly and honestly about what brought you to this moment and how you want to resolve it.
At the end of the day, isn’t that what you both deserve?
How Much Does Divorce Cost American Companies?
We all know that divorce is an expensive proposition. According to one recent study, the average divorce can cost upward of $15,000 when you factor in attorney fees, court filing fees, and other common costs.
But did you know that divorces are costly for employers as well? Experts say relationship-related stress — especially divorce — can cause companies $300 billion a year.
Experts crunched the numbers and found that in the six months before and one year after an employee’s divorce, their productivity drops by 40%.
Companies are usually equipped to handle other employee issues that can affect productivity (sick children, death in the family, etc), but although 10% of the workforce goes through a divorce every year, companies don’t have plans about how to assist those employees.
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Talking About Divorce in a New Way
One of the many problems with a traditional, adversarial divorce is that it’s a process where both spouses feel that they must prove that they’re “right.”
Well, I’m here to tell you that the traditional method isn’t the only way.
Collaborative Divorce creates a space where neither person has to prevail at the expense of the other. It is not a zero-sum game. The goal is to help each person find their voice, use their words, and say what they mean without saying it in a mean way.
I started practicing Collaborative Divorce because I believe rather than canceling a primary relationship, it’s important to dive into empathy and support, not just for ourselves but for each other. Instead of leaving the important decisions to a judge, as in a traditional divorce, you and your spouse make joint decisions about your finances, your children, and your future relationship. This happens through specifically scheduled meetings, where in a calm quiet setting, the two of you decide for yourselves what is best for your family.
Your Life After Covid-19: Now Might Be the Time to Create Your Own ‘New Normal’
Covid-19 is presenting many people with the opportunity to take a long, hard look at their lives.
They finally have time to focus on how they’re feeling. They’re asking themselves if this might be a chance to begin making the changes that they’ve been contemplating, whether it’s time for some transformational personal growth. Whether it might be time for a divorce.
This could be a time in your life for you to take radical responsibility for your own happiness and joy. You don’t have to apologize.
The good news is that you have control over how you bring an important relationship to an end. There’s no reason it has to be bitter, contentious, or dramatic. The Collaborative Divorce model is one that many people choose because it allows them to work with, not against, their partner to manage their transition from an emotionally engaged couple to a friendship or co-parenting relationship where the focus is on taking care of business or raising healthy children, minors, or adults.
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Handling the Stress of the Holidays
We know divorce is an extremely difficult process, especially during the holidays.
Aside from the death of a loved one, nothing else causes a sense of loss so profound. The trouble is that unlike a death, our society has no positive rituals to help us through the other hard times. A funeral brings people together to share the grief. People bring you food. Yet, there’s nothing even close to this for a divorce.
Oftentimes you’re left feeling completely isolated with no one to talk about the sadness, or the process, especially your spouse, who is the one person who truly understands what you’re going through.
This is why the Collaborative Divorce model is what I practice. It’s a process that many people choose because it allows two partners to work alongside one another in a civil, respectful and dignified manner. Even at the holidays. Even though it is hard.
Together you move forward at your own pace, on your own terms. At the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want for each other – the space to feel seen, heard and supported just like we did when our relationship first began?
Thoughts on Peaceful Transitions
We live in a volatile, uncertain and complex time. Advocating for the violent overthrow of an election and interfering in the work of Congress by armed insurrection is a criminal enterprise. Yet, the peaceful transition has occurred. This post does not address ways to engage in meaningful conversations while under…
Divorce in the Time of COVID-19
Yes, Margaret, you can still get divorced in the middle of a global health pandemic. (Reference to Judy Blume’s classic young adult novel, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.) Speaking of God, unless you studied epidemiology or public health, you probably didn’t see this coming. This virus is pulling…
Getting divorced? Now is the time to dream!
A lawyer is trained to solve problems. We look for solutions that meet the interests of our clients. All too often, while we are focused on the destination, the resolution, the “win,” many of us miss the opportunities for healing and growth along the way. We fixate on the outcome…
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Emotional Intelligence – Finding those Spaces Where You can be Vulnerable in Times of Transition
The other day the words just came out of my mouth. Emotional safety. What did I mean by that phrase, exactly? I meant being in a space where people could be themselves: vulnerable, imperfect, and capable of expressing their emotions without fear of judgment or interruption. That is my definition…
The case for radical honesty: Is a little white lie a bad thing?
Most of us aren’t taught to be honest communicators. When I recently searched “honesty and why it is so hard?” it brought up a bevy of articles on the psychology of lying. Discussions included: why we do it; can we stop?; should we stop?; when is it justified and when…
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WTF?! This Can’t Be Happening!
Well, by snooping, you kinda asked for it, didn’t you? Deep down, you had a feeling something was going on. Your spouse assured you repeatedly that there was no one else, but he/she has been acting so weird lately, that you just couldn’t shake the suspicion. So, when you had…
Break the Silence. Speak Up Against Domestic Violence.
I’m somewhat attached to my identity as a “pretty tough cookie.” A Jewish girl from Detroit born to fight. That is what I tell myself when I need to be tough. My early experiences with injustice, racism, child abuse, and bullies certainly puts how I ended up a divorce lawyer…
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Mythbuster – Emotional abuse is not real, or as bad as physical or sexual abuse
Actually, it is. It is just harder to prove than physical or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse is insidious and complex. It is known as “emotional maltreatment,” “psychological battering,” “psychological abuse,” “soul murder,” and has been identified in the psycho-legal literature as “the core issue and most destructive factor across all…
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Divorce as a Grieving Process – Part 2: Are You Psychologically Ready to Divorce?
If you have worked through the emotional stages of grief with respect to your divorce, or you are enlightened enough to be able to surrender to what is, then you are ready to start the negotiation process. If your spouse is at the same stage, then you are good to…
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Divorce as a Grieving Process – Part 1
As I have said many times before, “divorce is like a death in the family except no one is bringing you food.” Divorce was the first time in my adult life that I was brought to my knees. It hurt so much that I was doubled over in pain. If…
Vulnerability is the New Strong – Part 2
What is vulnerability? Webster defines it as: “easily hurt or harmed, physically, mentally or emotionally. Open to attack, harm or damage.” No wonder no one wants to be vulnerable! In an adversarial divorce, clients get hit with a double whammy: they enter a public forum to engage in battle while…
Vulnerability is the New Strong
Social scientists and neurobiologists have validated leaders who demonstrate vulnerability and authenticity in the workplace because such leaders promote “human connection”. This in turn promotes trust, and a “culture of forgiveness” that leads to demonstrably greater satisfaction and performance. Couldn’t we apply a bit of that data to our approach…
How to Have a Collaborative Divorce
Don’t laugh, and suspend your cynical judgment for just a few minutes. Let’s assume you have been thinking seriously about ending your marriage or long-term relationship, but you are scared because you don’t want the divorce process to ruin you or your children. Despite your feelings of doubt, shame, insecurity,…
What you Fear You Attract
What you fear, you attract. What you resist persists. Do you know the Native American story of Rabbit? The ancient story tells the tale of a brave rabbit who was also a fearless warrior. He was walking along a mountain trail and befriended a magical person who used his magic…
Antidotes to 4 Negative Myths about Divorce
Myth 1: A divorce means I won’t have to deal with my ex ever again Yeah, it’s not so simple, or easy. Sometimes it might be nice to consider or fantasize that this is true, but if you have children together, it is not an option. Consider the word itself:…
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How to Have a Peaceful and Compassionate Divorce-Part II
Find Peace through Your Divorce I hope that if you are contemplating a divorce or going through one, that you ultimately find your own compassionate advocate’s voice. That you ultimately find peace despite the fear and chaos that may be brewing in your life around a divorce. It doesn’t matter…
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How to Have a Peaceful and Compassionate Divorce–Part I
Why this blog? Welcome, readers. My intention with this first blog post is to start a conversation about new ways to think about and approach divorce. This includes how to have a peaceful and compassionate divorce, which is possible, if you set your intention and behave accordingly. I’m a divorce…
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