Nanci Smith

Attorney at Law

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The 4 Ways to Divorce

Is there such a thing as a “good” divorce? Like a lot of things in life, it depends on how you define it. One couple might decide that “good” means resolved as quickly as possible. Another might prefer the chance to hash out a few key issues with a neutral…

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Thinking About Divorce as a Collaboration

About 15 years ago I shifted the way I practice Divorce.

After years in the industry I recognized that Traditional Divorce wasn’t working to better the people it served, in fact it left them more divided than ever. Again and again I saw battles over how the assets should be divided, the amount and duration of spousal support, and the specifics of child custody and visitation. None of which could be accomplished without the two spouses hurting each other, leaving wounds that may last a lifetime, or a generation.

It was then I decided to shift my training into a practice called Collaborative Divorce. In this process, couples decide what’s right for them and their families and set a goal to get through this difficult time feeling hopeful about the future, not resentful about the past.

In a Collaborative Divorce, your team creates a safe space for you and your spouse to express your feelings. When you think about it, what have you got to lose by telling your partner exactly how you feel about the situation? It’s a non-judgmental environment where both of you can talk openly and honestly about what brought you to this moment and how you want to resolve it.

At the end of the day, isn’t that what you both deserve?

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How Much Does Divorce Cost American Companies?

We all know that divorce is an expensive proposition. According to one recent study, the average divorce can cost upward of $15,000 when you factor in attorney fees, court filing fees, and other common costs.

But did you know that divorces are costly for employers as well? Experts say relationship-related stress — especially divorce — can cause companies $300 billion a year.

Experts crunched the numbers and found that in the six months before and one year after an employee’s divorce, their productivity drops by 40%.

Companies are usually equipped to handle other employee issues that can affect productivity (sick children, death in the family, etc), but although 10% of the workforce goes through a divorce every year, companies don’t have plans about how to assist those employees.

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Talking About Divorce in a New Way

One of the many problems with a traditional, adversarial divorce is that it’s a process where both spouses feel that they must prove that they’re “right.”

Well, I’m here to tell you that the traditional method isn’t the only way.

Collaborative Divorce creates a space where neither person has to prevail at the expense of the other. It is not a zero-sum game. The goal is to help each person find their voice, use their words, and say what they mean without saying it in a mean way.

I started practicing Collaborative Divorce because I believe rather than canceling a primary relationship, it’s important to dive into empathy and support, not just for ourselves but for each other. Instead of leaving the important decisions to a judge, as in a traditional divorce, you and your spouse make joint decisions about your finances, your children, and your future relationship. This happens through specifically scheduled meetings, where in a calm quiet setting, the two of you decide for yourselves what is best for your family.

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Your Life After Covid-19: Now Might Be the Time to Create Your Own ‘New Normal’

Covid-19 is presenting many people with the opportunity to take a long, hard look at their lives.

They finally have time to focus on how they’re feeling. They’re asking themselves if this might be a chance to begin making the changes that they’ve been contemplating, whether it’s time for some transformational personal growth. Whether it might be time for a divorce.

This could be a time in your life for you to take radical responsibility for your own happiness and joy. You don’t have to apologize.

The good news is that you have control over how you bring an important relationship to an end. There’s no reason it has to be bitter, contentious, or dramatic. The Collaborative Divorce model is one that many people choose because it allows them to work with, not against, their partner to manage their transition from an emotionally engaged couple to a friendship or co-parenting relationship where the focus is on taking care of business or raising healthy children, minors, or adults.

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Handling the Stress of the Holidays

We know divorce is an extremely difficult process, especially during the holidays.

Aside from the death of a loved one, nothing else causes a sense of loss so profound. The trouble is that unlike a death, our society has no positive rituals to help us through the other hard times. A funeral brings people together to share the grief. People bring you food. Yet, there’s nothing even close to this for a divorce.

Oftentimes you’re left feeling completely isolated with no one to talk about the sadness, or the process, especially your spouse, who is the one person who truly understands what you’re going through.

This is why the Collaborative Divorce model is what I practice. It’s a process that many people choose because it allows two partners to work alongside one another in a civil, respectful and dignified manner. Even at the holidays. Even though it is hard.

Together you move forward at your own pace, on your own terms. At the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want for each other – the space to feel seen, heard and supported just like we did when our relationship first began?

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Emotional Intelligence – Finding those Spaces Where You can be Vulnerable in Times of Transition

The other day the words just came out of my mouth. Emotional safety. What did I mean by that phrase, exactly? I meant being in a space where people could be themselves: vulnerable, imperfect, and capable of expressing their emotions without fear of judgment or interruption. That is my definition…

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Mythbuster – Emotional abuse is not real, or as bad as physical or sexual abuse

Actually, it is. It is just harder to prove than physical or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse is insidious and complex. It is known as “emotional maltreatment,” “psychological battering,” “psychological abuse,” “soul murder,” and has been identified in the psycho-legal literature as “the core issue and most destructive factor across all…

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Vulnerability is the New Strong

Social scientists and neurobiologists have validated leaders who demonstrate vulnerability and authenticity in the workplace because such leaders promote “human connection”. This in turn promotes trust, and a “culture of forgiveness” that leads to demonstrably greater satisfaction and performance. Couldn’t we apply a bit of that data to our approach…

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I.D.

Thank you so much for keeping me afloat during the storm.  Could not have done it without you.

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